I Refused to Ask for Help During My Caregiving Journey… Until Burnout Changed the Game

Caregiving is much easier with help. Susanne White shares how she overcame her "do it alone" mindset and escaped the burnout cycle.

When I refused to ask for help as I began to care for my parents, I wasn’t being foolish or stubborn on purpose. I was unintentionally falling back on my old survival mechanisms. 

Growing up in a demanding, critical household, I learned early on to keep everything to myself until it passed close inspection, and I wouldn't be criticized. I became a perfectionist who was afraid of recrimination.

Because of my background, I struggle to be vulnerable, and asking for help is hard. If I don't do it all myself, I'm afraid I'll be seen as a failure, and even worse, I will be exposed to criticism and judgment. 

I'm headstrong, too, so it’s my way or the highway!

Caregiving offered me a terrific opportunity to learn how to ask for help and let go of perfectionism. 

I was "fine"… until all my caregiving anxieties crashed down on me at once

This happened one Sunday morning around 5 a.m., still early on in my caregiving journey. I had been sleeping restlessly for hours but was startled awake with a terror I had never felt before. My body began to shake, and fear and anxiety thrashed around in my mind.

All I could think was that I was never going to be able to care for my parents, that they would die or be hurt on my watch. The sudden invasion of imposter syndrome was excruciating. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and terrified. I felt trapped, alone, crazy, and desperate. 

It was then that some survival part of me made a decision that would change the course of how I would deal with other episodes of caregiver burnout and panic attacks. I reached over, picked up my cell phone, and dialed the number of another caregiver I knew who had cared for her father for years. 

Another caregiver transformed my perspective

As soon as my friend heard my story, she immediately made me feel heard, supported and understood. The advice she gave me, which I share in my three tips below, was some of the best advice I've ever had as a caregiver.

I finally understood that asking for help was the number one way to avoid caregiver burnout. I'd always struggled with how often or how easily I asked for help, but my friend had finally cleared the path.

There were people out there who were extremely willing and able to lend a hand when I needed it. They could listen, offer feedback, hang out with my parents if I needed to run an errand, or even help with the shopping.

Asking for help would never be easy, but I now knew it was an option and an extremely valuable tool in my caregiver's self-care toolbox.

I'll now share the advice my friend gave me with you. Consider these three ideas when you are on the brink of breaking in two, and isolation and caregiver burnout are threatening your life.

3 steps to easing your way out of caregiver burnout

1. Understand that caregiving takes a village

It is hard to do things alone in life, and in caregiving, it is impossible. No one can survive caregiving alone, no matter how talented, smart, strong, or experienced they are. The stakes are too high, the challenge too great, and the terrain too rocky to clear.

We are built to socialize and be part of a community, and we will only thrive when we get support and assistance from others. When we try to do it all on our own, we are taking risks that will not only hurt us but can potentially harm and damage the ones we care for, the very people we are trying to protect. Whether you think asking for help is “pointless” or you struggle with control issues, reframing your mindset is essential for the well-being of you and your loved one.

Remember: connect and collaborate. Everyone benefits from working together.

2. Accept that there’s nothing wrong with asking for help

You are not crazy or a bad caregiver. Misplaced shame, guilt, and pride cause us to turn away from the very thing that will save us.

Suffering alone and in silence as a caregiver is not noble; it's dangerous. You could be getting faster, more efficient, and more effective care for yourself and your loved ones when you let someone else in to give you a hand. You could get the break you need to regenerate and start over.

Do-It-Yourself is for putting up shelves, not 24/7 caregiving. No one expects you to do this alone.

3. Start with small things to build your “asking for help” muscle 

Getting used to asking for assistance can take time, so start delegating shorter tasks or making small requests. Ask people you trust to stop by and see how they are with your loved one. Or see if a friend can pick you up some things during their weekly shop.

Likewise, tell people you might be calling them to touch base in the future. Offer a friendly ear to other caregivers if they need to vent. You could have a vent session!

Starting small will help you build confidence in your team and bulk up your asking-for-help muscle simultaneously!

Reaching out that first time was one of the best things I did for myself during my caregiving journey. I discovered I was not alone or crazy. I gained a new perspective almost immediately.

Facing fear, pain, and loneliness is much easier with someone else. We deserve support and assistance when doing the most important job on earth. We are showing up for others. It’s perfectly reasonable to let others show up for us.

The information presented is solely for educational purposes, not as specific advice for the evaluation, management, or treatment of any condition.

The individual(s) who have written and created the content and whose images appear in this article have been paid by Teva Pharmaceuticals for their contributions. This content represents the opinions of the contributor and does not necessarily reflect those of Teva Pharmaceuticals. Similarly, Teva Pharmaceuticals does not review, control, influence, or endorse any content related to the contributor's websites or social media networks. This content is intended for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered medical advice or recommendations. Consult a qualified medical professional for diagnosis and before beginning or changing any treatment regimen.

NPS-ALL-NP-01199 MARCH 2024